Interview Rejec-Shuns

Sometimes in life you realize that you just can’t do something no matter how hard you try.For most people that is something as mediocre as cleaning your room, feeding your pets/children, and active politics. But enough jokes on Rahul Gandhi, this time I write about something serious.

Have you ever looked at yourself and wondered, “Why am I doing this to myself?” “How did I end up like this?” “What crooked, twisted turn of fate has bought me to this position of my life?”

Well very recently, I did.

And this sudden epiphany happened during an Interview.

Sadly my since my social life is limited to posts and tweets, I seem to lack the basic skills to appear for interviews. Like alertness, organization and most notably, being polite!

Yes, being polite is also an important part of cracking the interview. Who knew right?

So you can’t say stuff like, “Took you long enough, I’ve been waiting for 2 hours 30 minutes” or “So, how long before they renovate this wreck” or “I see you like books. I bet you’d love ‘Lose your weight, Not your Mind’ it’s perfect for you”.

So in the end my interview didn’t go very well, the lady came to a conclusion that I have an attitude problem and that I should lose it. I said to her, ‘almost as soon as you lose your weight’.

Of course, this wouldn’t be the first time I failed an interview. I’ve been rejected more times than Tusshar Kapoor has. But just like Vivek Oberoi comes back with new films, I keep coming back for more interviews, even though both of us know that it is not going to work out, that we are going to fail miserably, that except our mother—nobody else likes us… well this might be true for Vivek, because even my mother doesn’t like me much…sigh…

I recently tried figuring my strengths; I’m Open-minded, Frank, Humorous, Flirtatious, and Awesome. Then I started to analyze my weaknesses, I’m sarcastic, sadistic, smug, arrogant, vain, socially backward and honest. And with the same honesty; I honestly want these people to shut up, I really don’t care about how your office existed since times before Adam and Eve, how you’ve advertised for the elastic company that manufactures the string of the underwear that Big B wears, and how you have more employees than India has Bangladeshi immigrants.

I also hate when they ask really pathetic questions,

Interviewer: So you are Shashank?

Me: Yup. As far as I know that’s been my name.

Interviewer: Why do you travel on a bike?

Me: Woman, if I could afford a car then why would I want such a mediocre job in the first place?

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?

Me: Definitely NOT in a dead end boring job like yours.

Obviously I actually don’t say these things, I just give them a sweet smile while spouting poisonous thoughts inside my cranium. They think I have an attitude problem, and they haven’t even heard half the things on my mind.

I probably also fail at succeeding due to my educational qualifications. My qualifications mirror the credentials of many successful billionaires of today; but sadly those people are Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg. So this combined with my lack of social skills, and my ‘HarishChandra level’ honesty is probably the heavy chain link ball that drags me down the metaphoric Ocean of Rejection.

Of course I never take rejection badly (Since I can’t afford it). Rejections just mean that the company didn’t understand you well; they just failed at ‘Inter-viewing’ you. They are the ones who missed the opportunity of having such a Gangnam style guy in their Manoj Kumar style office. Remember, this world will always want to fit you in a stereotype, in their standard designed customized moulds. If you are the kinds that fit in it then I’m glad for you. But if you know deep inside your heart that you are born to stand out, why bother cramping yourself in there?

Eagles were meant to fly, Snakes were meant to slither, and I was meant to write such crap so you guys could get a hearty laugh. So I will continue to write for you till I die, or until I win a lottery, so that I won’t have to resort to such crude means to earn my bread.

But I will still continue to give these interviews, not because I hope to succeed in at least one, but because I’m the types that fight against all the odds and one of these days I will show all those who shunned me that I’m the most successful person in this planet, and also because I’m a sadist and I just love to annoy people (*winks)

 

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