Breakfast at Tiffanys: 50 quotes 🙂
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Breakfast at Tiffanys: 50 quotes 🙂
View original post 977 more words
Straightaway, I’m not saying that you should sleep with me. Because you definitely shouldn’t. Ever. Even if you’re really drunk and the L-train is down and I’m riding the last unicorn to Cotton Candy Village where Angel Ian Curtis and Angel Jimi Hendrix are playing a four-hour show at an all-koala house party, it’s still better to pay for the cab. And I’m not saying you should date a writer, either. Because that’s probably an equally bad idea. All I’m saying is you could do worse than screwing someone who meets the attractiveness threshold and also happens to be a writer. Because here’s the thing: as often as writers come bundled with bad habits and insecurities, and as maladaptive as these things are in the real world—the bedroom is not the real world. And the compulsions that make writers so miserable on a day-to-day basis are the same ones…
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Sometimes in life you realize that you just can’t do something no matter how hard you try.For most people that is something as mediocre as cleaning your room, feeding your pets/children, and active politics. But enough jokes on Rahul Gandhi, this time I write about something serious.
Have you ever looked at yourself and wondered, “Why am I doing this to myself?” “How did I end up like this?” “What crooked, twisted turn of fate has bought me to this position of my life?”
Well very recently, I did.
And this sudden epiphany happened during an Interview.
Sadly my since my social life is limited to posts and tweets, I seem to lack the basic skills to appear for interviews. Like alertness, organization and most notably, being polite!
Yes, being polite is also an important part of cracking the interview. Who knew right?
So you can’t say stuff like, “Took you long enough, I’ve been waiting for 2 hours 30 minutes” or “So, how long before they renovate this wreck” or “I see you like books. I bet you’d love ‘Lose your weight, Not your Mind’ it’s perfect for you”.
So in the end my interview didn’t go very well, the lady came to a conclusion that I have an attitude problem and that I should lose it. I said to her, ‘almost as soon as you lose your weight’.
Of course, this wouldn’t be the first time I failed an interview. I’ve been rejected more times than Tusshar Kapoor has. But just like Vivek Oberoi comes back with new films, I keep coming back for more interviews, even though both of us know that it is not going to work out, that we are going to fail miserably, that except our mother—nobody else likes us… well this might be true for Vivek, because even my mother doesn’t like me much…sigh…
I recently tried figuring my strengths; I’m Open-minded, Frank, Humorous, Flirtatious, and Awesome. Then I started to analyze my weaknesses, I’m sarcastic, sadistic, smug, arrogant, vain, socially backward and honest. And with the same honesty; I honestly want these people to shut up, I really don’t care about how your office existed since times before Adam and Eve, how you’ve advertised for the elastic company that manufactures the string of the underwear that Big B wears, and how you have more employees than India has Bangladeshi immigrants.
I also hate when they ask really pathetic questions,
Interviewer: So you are Shashank?
Me: Yup. As far as I know that’s been my name.
Interviewer: Why do you travel on a bike?
Me: Woman, if I could afford a car then why would I want such a mediocre job in the first place?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in the next five years?
Me: Definitely NOT in a dead end boring job like yours.
Obviously I actually don’t say these things, I just give them a sweet smile while spouting poisonous thoughts inside my cranium. They think I have an attitude problem, and they haven’t even heard half the things on my mind.
I probably also fail at succeeding due to my educational qualifications. My qualifications mirror the credentials of many successful billionaires of today; but sadly those people are Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and Mark Zuckerberg. So this combined with my lack of social skills, and my ‘HarishChandra level’ honesty is probably the heavy chain link ball that drags me down the metaphoric Ocean of Rejection.
Of course I never take rejection badly (Since I can’t afford it). Rejections just mean that the company didn’t understand you well; they just failed at ‘Inter-viewing’ you. They are the ones who missed the opportunity of having such a Gangnam style guy in their Manoj Kumar style office. Remember, this world will always want to fit you in a stereotype, in their standard designed customized moulds. If you are the kinds that fit in it then I’m glad for you. But if you know deep inside your heart that you are born to stand out, why bother cramping yourself in there?
Eagles were meant to fly, Snakes were meant to slither, and I was meant to write such crap so you guys could get a hearty laugh. So I will continue to write for you till I die, or until I win a lottery, so that I won’t have to resort to such crude means to earn my bread.
But I will still continue to give these interviews, not because I hope to succeed in at least one, but because I’m the types that fight against all the odds and one of these days I will show all those who shunned me that I’m the most successful person in this planet, and also because I’m a sadist and I just love to annoy people (*winks)
Once upon a time, in an absolute monarchy not far from here, a king summoned two of his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. “What do you think this is?”
One advisor, an electrical engineer, answered first. “It is a toaster.”
The king asked, “How would you design an embedded computer for it?”
The engineer replied, “Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple program that reads the darkness knob and quantizes its position to one of 16 shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use that darkness level as the index to a 16-element table of initial timer values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Wait ’til next week, and I’ll show you a working prototype.”
The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognized the danger of such short-sighted thinking. He said, “Toasters don’t just turn bread into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete. If we don’t look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the toaster in just a few years.
“With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialize this class into subclasses: grains, pork, and poultry. The specialization process should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes, and waffles; pork divided into sausage, links, and bacon; and poultry divided into scrambled eggs, hard-boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs, and various omelet classes.
“The ham-and-cheese omelet class is worth special attention because it must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy, and poultry classes. Thus, we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple inheritance. At run time, the program must create the proper object and send a message to the object that says, ‘Cook yourself.’ The semantics of this message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs.
“Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the design phase, we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course, users don’t want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so concurrent processing is required, too.
“We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food lacks versatility, and the darkness knob is confusing. Would-be diners won’t buy the product unless it has a user-friendly, graphical interface. When the breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the screen. Users click on it, and the message ‘Booting UNIX v.8.3’ appears on the screen. (UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want to cook.
“Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for the implementation phase. An Intel 80586 with 16MB of memory, a 1.2GB hard disk, and a SuperVGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a multitasking, object oriented language that supports multiple inheritance and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first design strategy to lock us into a four-bit microcontroller).”
The king wisely had the computer scientist beheaded, and the kingdom lived happily ever after.
Twas the night before implementation
And all through the house
Not a program was working,
Not even a browse.
The engineers hung by their tubes in despair,
With hopes that a miracle soon would be there.
The customers were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of progress danced in their heads.
When out of the COPE [unk acronym] there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a super programmer (with a six pack of beer).
His resume glowed with experience so rare,
He turned out great code with a bit pusher’s flair.
More rapid than eagles, his routines they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
On Update! On Add! On Inquire! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
His eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean,
From weekends and nights spent in front of a screen.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know, I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code, then turned with a jerk;
And laying his finger upon the “enter” key,
The system came up and worked perfectly.
The updates updated; the deletes, they deleted;
The inquiries inquired and closings completed.
He tested each whistle, and tested each bell,
With nary and APPEND, thus all had gone well.
The job was finished, the test were concluded,
The engineer’s last changes were even included.
“Heh!”, the customer exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
“It’s just what I asked for, but not what I want!”
How to be interesting (in 10 stupid-simple steps):
Explore ideas, places, and opinions. The inside of the echo chamber is where all the boring people hang out.
2. Share what you discover.
And be generous when you do. Not everybody went exploring with you. Let them live vicariously through your adventures.
3. Do something. Anything.
Dance. Talk. Build. Network. Play. Help. Create. It doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you’re doing it. Sitting around and complaining is not an acceptable form of ‘something,’ in case you were wondering.
4. Embrace your innate weirdness.
No one is normal. Everyone has quirks and insights unique to themselves. Don’t hide these things—they are what make you interesting.
5. Have a cause.
If you don’t give a damn about anything, no one will give a damn about you.
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6. Minimize the swagger.
Egos get in the way of ideas. If your arrogance is more obvious than your expertise, you are someone other people avoid.
7. Give it a shot.
Try it out. Play around with a new idea. Do something strange. If you never leave your comfort zone, you won’t grow.
8. Hop off the bandwagon.
If everyone else is doing it, you’re already late to the party. Do your own thing, and others will hop onto the spiffy wagon you built yourself. Besides, it’s more fun to drive than it is to get pulled around.
9. Grow a pair.
Bravery is needed to have contrary opinions and to take unexpected paths. If you’re not courageous, you’re going to be hanging around the water cooler, talking about the guy who actually is.
10. Ignore the scolds.
Boring is safe, and you will be told to behave yourself. The scolds could have, would have, should have. But they didn’t. And they resent you for your adventures.
Another Interesting thing that I came across (This one was on Forbes.com)
Before you’re sprawled on your deathbed, there are some things you really have to say. They’re not complicated. They’re not poetry.
They’re just short sentences with big meaning.
I hope they get you talking.
Give yourself time to think so the time you spend doing things will be better spent.
“Today was good.”
If you can say it once, you can say it again. And again. And again.
“I believe in this.”
A god, a plan, a company, a person, an idea—you have to put your faith in something.
“I’m not finished.”
Only you get to decide when your life’s work is done.
“Thank you for making this possible.”
Because nobody does anything alone. We’re driven and supported and thwarted by others at every turn.
Food. Drink. Episodes of Law & Order. Pairs of shoes. Overtime. Articulating your own limits is powerful.
“I can do better.”
As soon as you say it, you’re that much closer to making it true.
But you can’t just say it; you have to mean it. Really mean it.
Moments of danger are the plot points of an exciting life.
Let yourself be in awe of another person, and you’ll feel strong and weak simultaneously.
“I am home.”
Home is every adventure’s final destination and starting point—and we all need one to call our own.
“I did my best.”
If this is true, you did something amazing.
“How can I help you?”
Because you want people to come to your funeral, and if they can’t make it, at least they’ll miss you.
You are lucky, in a way that no one else is. Now, what are you going to do with your good fortune?
“I want that.”
Ask for it: that’s you get what you covet—from others and for yourself.
“This is wrong.”
If you never say it, you embody the statement.
Not everything is worthwhile, and sometimes we don’t find that out until we’re in the middle of a rotten situation.
“Isn’t this beautiful?”
The more often you notice the gorgeous world around you, the happier you’ll be.
Say this without jealously. Practice if you have to.
“Damn, I look good.”
You come from a long line of people who convinced others to sleep with them. Remember that.
“I can master this.”
The ability to learn is the foundation of every other talent.
“Hold the mayo.”
Ask for the little things on a regular basis and you’ll find that it’s easier to make larger demands on occasion.
“This is who I am.”
The nervous energy spent pretending to be something you’re not is better spent on practically anything else.
It’s always harder to take back an invitation than to give one, but protecting yourself from personified trouble is always worth the effort.
“That was my contribution.”
Own what you’ve worked to create—that’s how your presence will be felt long after you’re gone.
“I’ll try it.”
Consider the impotence of never saying you’ll try.
“Tell me more.”
Really getting to know someone (or some topic) will help you better triangulate your own place in the world.
Enjoy what you love and say this as often as you can.
“I earned this.”
There’s a layer of proud ownership over everything you possess that wasn’t merely given to you.
“I don’t care.”
Being able to discern between what’s important and what’s trivial is a skill that will save your sanity and your schedule.
“Your secret is safe with me.”
Because it feels deep-down good to be trustworthy.
Being the first to know something is a delicious sensation.
Where you’re going often matters far less than the enthusiasm you have for the trip.
“I trust you.”
We all need allies, and admitting as much helps forge alliances.
“I don’t know how to do this.”
It’s better to admit it and learn than to fake it and embarrass yourself.
Fear is an asset. It can save you from danger and alert you to trouble. Don’t ignore the tingles that run up and down your spine.
“This is going to work.”
When this is said truthfully, it’s an assertion of power.
“I made a decision.”
Autonomy transforms any activity from a chore to an act of destiny.
“I love you.”
We all want to say this, and we all want it said to us.
More important than being right, or being important, is being truly aware.